Here´s an interesting quote from a article in the NY Times:

But in the immediate future, he (Gen. John P. Abizaid, head of the Army's Central Command) said, American prospects would depend on getting tough with Mr. Sadr and others challenging American control.

"This has been a nation of intimidators," he said. "We only have to stop the culture of intimidation, and it will only be done with a fair and firm response by us."

"And it will often be deadly," he said, "but that's what we've got to do."

That seems like the type of self-contradicting quote that would make a great jumping off point for an Onion article.

And here´s a nice Onion short:
Boxer Hopes He Can Make Money Punching Things In Retirement
CHICAGO—Shortly after announcing his retirement, heavyweight champion Lennox Lewis, 38, said Monday that he hopes to continue to make money punching things. "I have a few other skills, but I'm probably best at punching," Lewis said. "Cows, computers, sheets of glass—if the price is right, I'll punch it good."